Hello everyone,

Long time no write-y post-y on blog-y! I hope you all are keeping well and haven’t forgotten about me. I’m sure you’ve missed my witty and downright incredible writing! uh, yeah…..

So tonight I took part in a competition called Nottsfactor 2012. To briefly explain, out of 30 acts who applied online, 10 were picked to perform at a live final at Antenna in Nottingham. These 10 would be judged by a panel of four experts and a winner would be chosen at the end of the evening. The prize? £500, plus a bunch of gig opportunities, a radio interview, photoshoot, plus lots of other stuff. It was a pretty immense prize on offer!

I’ll be honest –  I entered this for the prize, particularly the prize money (I actually didn’t know about the other stuff  until tonight.) I see no shame in that – it is after all a competition. I’m a seasoned performer now to a degree – I’ve been playing live solo for the better part of three years. I’ve played at Antenna itself several times. So I wasn’t really in it for any kind of exposure/gig opportunity. Perhaps that’s why tonight it felt slightly strange when I get up on stage and started playing. Maybe it was the 2-song per performer set length. Maybe it was the fact we were all being judged.

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t like or perform very well in competitions. I like to get up on stage and perform without pretense, without ulterior motives – I want to play because I feel like playing, like sharing my emotion and passion with other people. Not because I want to win some prize. Through no fault of their own, competitions just always feel a little unnatural and too forced an environment/atmosphere for me to feel relaxed and just perform naturally and honestly. I was quite looking forward to playing tonight and not really nervous about it, but as soon as I got on stage I felt like I was there for the wrong reasons and it made me uneasy and nervous. I felt like an amateur, a novice performer – like it was my first gig again. Suddenly those butterflies in my stomach started pulling me back to that place without warning. I didn’t feel like a professional. I hate that feeling. When I’m at my most confident I feel like I could take on the world – like I could play anywhere, any time. I seem to float between anxiety ridden, social misfit Marc, and ‘I feel right in the world’, confident at ease Marc. The latter Marc is the one that I think has a shot at a career in the music business. He is the professional.

I’ve had this self-doubt at every other competition I’ve done before. It’s kind of a downer because aside from that it was a really excellent night, very well organised – the judges were great, everyone who performed was awesome and it was a fun evening. So I hate to have this slight bad taste in my mouth – I’m only human I guess! I would like to say a massive CONGRATS to ‘One boy, One girl’ for winning though, and for Band of Jackals for being the runners up. You were both incredible and so deserving of winning – as was everyone else that took part. Nottingham HAS got talent!

Still, I don’t know, this kind of thing just leaves me wondering where I’m headed with all this and what I really want from it – I wish I could be a robot and just be at the top of my game all the time, but there’s just so much BS surrounding performances sometimes that it just takes me out of my element. I can’t act it out like some artists do – I fall apart if I’m not feeling the music and the vibe. I want to feel it every time, I really do. I just want to excel, to be appreciated for what I do, to be recognized  and for my music to bring the same happiness and meaning to people’s lives that all the music I love to listen to does.

Plus, I have no idea where I’m going with this now – this is literally my stream of consciousness running riot here. I apologize if it makes little sense. Earlier on the bus journey home I was thinking of writing a book – literally. I was literally writing it in my head. Maybe I should actually write it for real. Maybe I should spend some money on some new things. Maybe I should travel the world. Maybe.

Perhaps.

Night